Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Why? Why? (1)

Boy, am i in a rotten mood today.
NTU (Nanyang Technological University) came to gave a speech today about university life and it was followed by a fair about tertiary education and i do not know why but it left me with really a rotten mood.
And the events that came out later did not turn out to be any better.

To be honest, this rotten mood has been following me around a few days already and hate it i really do.
To make matters worse, this rotten feeling seems to crept up from nowhere and just hung on to me for a feel days and i wonder if it could just get any worse.

I think this feeling must have choose me as its target due to my tendency to compare myself with others and my urge to constantly climb up the invisible ladder of hierarchy that surprisingly seems to exist almost everywhere in our society.

I don't know about you, but i'm a person that will easily get pissed off if i find myself left out from all the latest happenings in school. Like that day when everyone went to practice drama for the heritage club and i was left alone wondering if everyone had been abducted by our sixth form teacher Mr Karu to heck i know where.

When i later found out the truth, i must admit that i got a bit hurt as i was not included in the play.
For God's sake, i'm Phang Cher Hong! How could they not include me?
I tried consoling myself by saying that it's no big matter, it's just a small play and i'm not even involved in the first place! Why should i bother?

Try as hard as i can but it proved to be no avail. I hated myself for this wondering why would i care so much for just not being involved a small drama. I know that i can act pretty well and i know that i do not need anything to prove myself but there's something invisible that is just at stake there.

The education fair today did not much good either. For the whole time i was at the fair, i could not help but think how would i fare in my future compared to other people and will i get my future secured considering so many people are also fighting for the precious place in university.
I hated myself for standing there alone doing nothing as my friends went around collecting materials and asking about the courses they want to study.

Time and time again i told myself that i would not have to worry as my future is in God's hand and i can rest assured of what lies ahead if i could only get a good result. Too bad that i did not even succeed but even bought a book that costs RM5 knowing very well that i would not need it later but what can i do as everyone is already buying it. Something it seems, was at stake.

I hate myself, i really di. All these things that happened made me reflect back to a book called Searching For God Knows What by a guy called Donald Miller. He's a really good chap and this post that i'm writing now resembles something like his style i only noticed now, but do not sue me, i'm just a normal student.

In the book, Donald said that how each and every human, which means you and me , is constantly comparing themselves to prove who is better, to just earn acceptance and approval from others and when our place in the invisible social ladder is threatened, we tend to retaliate and feel very badly like what am i feeling now.

It makes perfect sense if you think of it. I was angry because my the people at the drama (no offence ^^) did not acknowledge me and what annoys me more is my best bud also forgot about me. I was feeling rotten as i am not doing what other people are doing and that means i am not one of them.

It made me think a lot. When you think deeply, it seems that everyone is doing the same thing as me. What Donald said is very true as many of my actions everyday are just there to seek approval from people, climb up the ladder although i have been thought many times that i'm special and that all these actions bring no meaning.
Actions like playing Perfect World and struggling to gain higher level, taking part in iTALENTSTAR or trying to be funny and humorous in front of others and even blogging are all part of my constant struggle to achieve people's approval, the claps of people as if i'm performing on stage.

And thinking about this made me realized how flawed we humans are, desperately trying to win what is not important as if that we cannot live without it. Everything in this world revolves around this seemingly pathetic system and Donald Miller is certainly right.

I will stop here for now and i want to hear from you guys before i continue on my second part (because i already hear you all whining from the seemingly long post), if situation permits or you all could choose to buy the book to read more. It is truly worth it. Post some comments not in the chat box if can, thanks ^^

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Death, life, just what is it?
I came across a newspaper article today about a girl who was murdered by her boyfriend today and it was big news around my neighborhood as it took place (where else?) at my neighborhood.

I was troubled, troubled as death has never strike so near before. The girl seem so young, so full of promises but life as it seems, is never fair. Everywhere i turn to look, death seems to be everywhere and I so used to it until death just seems to be like numbers on a statistics paper.
But time after the time i do not realize that it is people's loved ones dying out there, normal humans just like me, husband, wife , father, daughter, brother, friends.

It just make me wonder just what life is.
Have you ever thought about life before and also death? What if you never wake up to see tomorrow's sunlight?

To be honest, I'm just confused of the state of our lives today. It seems that we do not treat death lightly anymore until it comes knocking at our door.

And it just makes me think more deeply about life. I often take life lightly, missing every God's blessing in it. Our wonderful blue skies with it's clouds, the chirping of the bird that always annoys me when i sleep, my friend's funny but charming laughs and the jokes that tease me but which i secretly like because it proves that my friends still care.

One more important thing would be our impending death.
"Choi!", you might say. Why want to be so pessimistic? But living in our world today, you'll never know when your time will arrive, because death seems so easy today. A lunatic could just walk in your school and go amok and there's a possibility you'll made headlines tomorrow. Really, you wouldn't know when the guy in the hood carrying a sickle would come looking for you.

But if the guy in the hood comes looking for me tomorrow, i know i have nothing to fear as i know i have live to the fullest in my life and by that i do not mean trying out the latest drugs or having the best sex ever or being the most popular or the most handsome (which i already am) guy ever but by saying that i mean that i have done nothing that i would regret and have i have fully lived to my conscience and to God.

I would have also no fear of where am i going next, no not the coffin but the journey after the coffin. Have you ever thought about it? About where death would lead.

To tell you the truth, i'm a guy who cares much about life after death. Because life after death seems so long compared to the time we have on earth and seriously, i think no one likes to be naked and be burned always in hell and neither do i. Playing harps on the cloud seems to be a much better idea for me and that is why under my religion, i would be proud to write CHRISTIAN boldly.

I know that after i die, i would be returning to home, how many religion says that by the way, and i would be enjoying a pretty darn good time with Jesus, enjoying every moment with Him. And i know there would be no tears anymore up there and playing harps would be a great idea too. I also know that i do not have to donate all of my money to charity organisations or to be a monk or to bomb myself up just to receive salvation. All i have to do is to just believe.

However, i know that my job here on earth here is not that easy and honestly, i would also want to see my friends playing harps with me too. The case of the girl being murdered has troubled me because one of the reasons is that she was at my church before but being as highly as we think we are, we did not pay much attention to her because we think we are that holy and look down on people like her.

Brothers and sisters in Christ, do not be like me. We are all the same, nobody is above another, only God is and never hesitate to spread the love around.

And for my other friends, have you thought about the purpose of life? Why are you sitting on that chair reading my blog post? Think about it kay?

Because we will never know when is our last day on Earth.

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